Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Randomize
