evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He has the fingertips of a God
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