The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
