i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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