five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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