Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
