So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
