Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
