I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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