I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
