Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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