Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
