so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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