im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
