I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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