Sorry, I don't speak sober.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
