Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
