I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
