Umm I'm too high to move.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
