Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
