And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
