I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
