i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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