omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Randomize
