i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
