i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
