He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
