Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
we should paint friendship bongs
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