If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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