I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Randomize
