Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
