4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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