how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
