Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
