I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
