Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
