I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
