She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
