Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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