Taylor Swift is so right about you.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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