don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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