I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
