I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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