I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
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