no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
