I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
