No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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