Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
3 2 1 whiskey
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
