You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
