I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
